Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
