god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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