Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
