Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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