kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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