she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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