Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
