Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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