I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
