I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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