Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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