my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
