found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
