Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
