kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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