The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
