Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
