is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
