so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
