shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hippo gnu deer
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
