i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
