it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
