I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
