Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
