I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
