I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
