I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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