So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
