no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
