Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
