hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
