while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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