does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
