so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
this is an emotional support booty call
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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