i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
This baby is an asshole
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think people are normalizing furries
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
