The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize