So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
