At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize