He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize