he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
His nipple licking is glorious
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