you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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