I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
