yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
