My Higher Power is John Stamos
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Randomize
