Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
