Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
