weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
