Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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