imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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