Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize