My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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