I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
