i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
