I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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