my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
