Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
