oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
