i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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