I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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