It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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